I saw this post as I was perusing my various forms of social media one day this week, and I just had to save it. Just this week in a coaching session, I was talking with a client of mine who sometimes gets too focused on what others think of her – to the point that it begins to dictate her actions. I remember struggling with that myself for far too many years, and I am still amazed today that I was able to (mostly) overcome it. I remember blaming myself if a relationship didn’t work out (I must not have been “enough” for him). Conversely, I remember the day that I said to a guy, “I know I am a good woman, so if you cheat on me – that’s on you, not me.” I remember being shocked even as I spoke the words, because it was such a change from the years of beating myself up over failed relationships.
You see, when you worry about how your every move will be perceived, it is very incarcerating – limiting you from sharing your true gifts and trapping you in a vicious cycle of “people-pleasing”. On the flip side, you sometimes have those who seemingly go through life with NO regard for how their actions and words affect others, and sometimes even brag about it by saying, “This is just who I am – deal with it!” BOTH ways interfere with your ability to have successful relationships, and neither are actually authentic behaviors (contrary to what the latter thinks).
Dr. Brene Brown wrote a whole book on living “wholeheartedly” (The Gifts of Imperfection), which walks through 10 “guideposts” of how to achieve wholeheartedness. It is a great read, and I highly recommend it. Not surprisingly, the first guidepost is “Cultivating Authenticity” while “letting go of what others think”. Seems easy enough – and yet, why do so many of us struggle with it? According to Brene, authenticity is a conscious choice that we make to practice – not something that we are born with.
So what is “authenticity” anyway? Taking Dr. Brown’s definition, “authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be, and embracing who we are”. Yes! Let me say that again: “letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be”. I personally believe that all anyone is “supposed” to be is a kind, generous, loving person who contributes back to society with his/her unique gifts. We are all here to serve each other, and without each other’s help, we have no hope for the future. We all have very unique gifts and talents – yes, each and every one of us – and we owe it to society to share those gifts.
The problem with worrying about who we are “supposed” to be is that we start letting others dictate what our gifts “should” be – instead of recognizing what they actually are. So the people-pleaser may never actually connect and plug into what he/she can actually contribute to this world because he/she is trying so hard to please everyone. But you see, everyone is different. And so in trying to please so many different people with different ideas of what you should be doing, you end up running some rat race – trying this way and that way, but maybe never actually coming out with a true win.
So how do we begin to live authentically? Again, drawing from Brene Brown, we must:
1. Cultivate the courage to be imperfect.
Now you see why this quote in the pic above spoke to me. “Let them judge you. Let them misunderstand you.” You will make mistakes, and when you do, there will inevitably be someone who will talk about you or be quick to point out your mistakes. But guess what? WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. In fact, we learn more from our mistakes than we do from our wins or successes. It is how you handle the mistakes that makes the difference. When you can own your mistakes – own that you are imperfect – while learning from them and moving forward, the right people will notice. The wrong people will gossip no matter what – so who cares what they think? The right people will help move you along down the right path, and they will be more than happy to do so because they can see your authenticity shining through. The wrong people were never going to help you anyway, so don’t waste your time with them – they are just diversions and distractions that will keep you from success.
2. Exercise compassion.
I’m paraphrasing here, but to draw again from Brene Brown, she uses the metaphor of a person who has fallen in a pit to explain compassion. When you have compassion, you are able to crawl down into the pit of despair with the person – to say, “I get it. I don’t know what your exact situation is, but I have felt those emotions before when I had a similar situation.” Compassion does not include judgement. Judgement shows up with sympathy – as in, “I’m going to stand at the top of the pit and look down at you and say ‘poor you’,” or even worse, “I would never have ended up in a hole like that.”
How many of us threw judgement at the mom whose son climbed down into the gorilla exhibit? (I am sheepishly raising my hand.) But how many of us parents have ever lost our child – for just a second? Maybe in a department store, maybe in your own house or yard – but for just a second, you thought the worst case scenario and immediately began beating yourself up for it? And do you think, in that moment when that mom lost her child to Harambe, that she wasn’t already beating herself up for having lost track of him – for just a second? But we were all so quick to cast blame (myself included). Compassion is about knowing that we all have individual strengths, but we all also have individual struggles. I defer to #1 – WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. And we never know what set of circumstances have brought this person to their knees – or down in the proverbial pit of despair. How many of us are willing to climb down in that pit with her and share our stories of parental failures? The more we practice compassion, the more our authenticity will shine through. But we must PRACTICE compassion to RECEIVE compassion.
3. Believe we are “enough”.
So here’s a crazy conundrum: It is only when we believe that we ARE enough that we will BE enough for others. Whoa. Mind blown, right? You see, when we are constantly beating ourselves up – downplaying compliments, wallowing in self-pity, people-pleasing – it actually achieves the opposite effect of what we are seeking: it drives people away. People find it draining to be around you. And so we find ourselves alone…..which further feeds the vicious thought-cycle of “I am not worthy”. BUT, when we begin to recognize and own our strengths – when WE begin to believe in OURSELVES – others will recognize our strength and authenticity…..and be drawn to it. So BEING enough starts with THINKING we are enough – and that comes from within. No amount of friends and no amount of love from family will ever heal that.
Celebrate your strengths. Practice compassion. And be courageous in your imperfection. When you do these three things, your authenticity will shine through. And when you are shining, naysayers and haters cannot bring you down, because you will have the right supporters around you to fend them off. So shine on, my friend!
I leave you with one more picture quote I saw (I think it was even in the same day as the one above – a sure sign that I had to write about it). Never lose sight of your purpose – your strengths, your gifts. Be authentic and let your light shine!
