One of the hardest steps for me on my 2016 journey of self-discovery and improvement has been to “clean” my motives. Simply put, it is doing things simply for the sake of serving others…and expecting nothing in return. NOTHING. Not a “thank you”, not a pat on the back, not a return favor – just because.
Now, while serving others has always been innate to me, it’s the “expecting nothing in return” that has been my struggle. You see, I am a people-pleaser. I do things to make others happy – but not in the sense of true happiness and fulfillment, but so that they will LIKE me and they will LOVE me.
Yikes. Did I hit a nerve yet? Or am I standing on this people-pleasing box alone?
Motives become “dirty” when they are self-serving – and that includes when you do things to “protect” yourself. Some of us have had some wounds – some deeper than others – and as such, we developed ways to protect ourselves. The problem is that what originally caused the hurt or pain may no longer be present, and yet, we are still carrying around the armor. When those around us react negatively toward the armor, then we come back with, “See, that’s why I do what I do! I can’t trust anyone!” The reality is that, while the danger may not exist, we continue to perpetuate the pain and hurt by what WE are doing.
For me, I did things for a couple of reasons: 1) to please people (and find love and acceptance), 2) to appear competent and important. Both are “dirty” motives. It has taken me 2 years and 4 times through THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY with Dr. Brene Brown (as well as THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION, also by Brene, and COLOR YOUR FUTURE by Dr. Taylor Hartman) to begin to accept that I was moving through life in that way. That was a hard pill to swallow.
And so I began to practice using clean motives – doing acts of kindness and service, just because.
It. Was. So. Hard. 
I sent birthday cards and gifts, and when I didn’t get a “thank you,” I had to remind myself that the point was to spread kindness – not to receive thanks and praise. I would do extra duties at work, and when others didn’t acknowledge it or return the favor, I had to talk myself down from anger – reminding myself “It’s not about me.” In fact, that became my new mantra: “It’s not about me.” And over time, it became easier.
I have also discovered that, when I’m not expecting anything in return, it is also much easier to define and stick to my boundaries – because I’m not making choices to please people, but instead to enhance the world around me.
All of that being said, all that I have described is a LOT of internal work. Today’s Question to Consider really got me thinking, “Are my efforts and actions noticeable to those around me?” So today’s Question to Consider was: “What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?” I wanted to hear words like “serving others” or “making the world a better place”. Interestingly enough, most people answered “family,” or something related to family. While I won’t disagree that family is a huge factor in my life, I guess it is so second nature to me that I don’t even think about that. I will say, though, that I never thought I would enjoy being a wife and mother as much as I do. I had always chased career and personal desires so much that I never thought I was “cut out” for being a mother and wife, let alone one that is a partial stay-at-home mom! But if you read my post from Day 2, it makes a ton of sense. When I was chasing career and personal desires, I was not honoring my Blue personality – which is designed to serve and make meaningful connections. And it’s why I felt so unsettled for so many years. Now, as a wife and mom, I am able to ease into what I do best – and own it, making no apologies for it.
It was interesting, because a professor from college (who is now a Facebook friend) answered, “From what I see now, it’s family.” That was probably the most telling answer to show the change I was looking for. I can almost guarantee that my driving force in college was NOT family – but something much more career-oriented. I was chasing after success and status and leadership. Now, none of that sounds as appealing to me. I don’t need the big title or big job to feel that I am important or making a difference in this world; I can make a difference with smaller, behind-the-scenes movements in my everyday life.
So how would your friends and family answer that question? And how does that compare to what you WANT the answer to be?
